Guide On How To Fail At Online Dating

So, you want to fail at online dating? You’ve come to the right place! While everyone else is scrambling for profile pics with perfect lighting and witty bios, we’re here to guide you down the path of absolute, unadulterated online dating disaster. Consider this your anti-dating guru manual – a roadmap to romance rejection, one hilarious mishap at a time.

Embrace the Filter (Or Lack Thereof)

First things first: profile pictures. This is where the magic… or rather, the misery, begins. Forget flattering angles and recent shots. We’re going for authenticity! Think blurry photos from a decade ago, group shots where no one can figure out which one is you, or, even better, a close-up of your cat. The more ambiguous, the better. Bonus points if you’re wearing sunglasses in every single picture. Mystery is key to failure, apparently.

Pro Tip: Crop out the ex. Everyone loves a good guessing game! (Spoiler alert: they don’t.)

And speaking of authenticity, forget about filters! Embrace the wrinkles, the bad hair days, the food stains. After all, as Oscar Wilde (probably) didn't say, "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken... on a dating app with professional headshots."

Craft the Bio of Broken Dreams

Your bio is your chance to truly shine… or, you know, completely tank. Aim for clichés. “Looking for my partner in crime,” “Living life to the fullest,” and the ever-popular “Fluent in sarcasm” are gold. The more generic, the more likely you are to blend into the abyss of dating app mediocrity. Remember, you’re not trying to stand out; you’re trying to become one with the algorithm.

Bonus points: List extremely specific and contradictory requirements. For example: “Must love hiking but hate the outdoors. Must enjoy deep conversations but only talk about the weather.”

Fun fact: Did you know that profiles with typos are 75% less likely to receive a message? So, skip that spellcheck! Embrace the grammar gremlins!

Master the Art of the Awkward Message

Messaging is where you really get to unleash your inner cringe. Start with a generic “Hey” or “What’s up?” to show you put zero effort into reading their profile. Avoid asking questions that require actual thought. The goal is to elicit a response that is equally uninspired and ultimately leads nowhere.

Level up your failure: Send a copy-pasted message to everyone. "Hey, I saw you like tacos. I also like tacos. We should get tacos sometime." (Even if their profile says they're vegan.)

Pro Tip: Respond to messages days, or even weeks, later. Show them how busy and important you are… or just forgetful. Either way, you’re sending the message that you’re not really that interested.

The First Date Fiasco

Congratulations! You've somehow managed to land a date! Now, it's time to seal the deal… of failure. Arrive late, dressed inappropriately, and spend the entire time talking about yourself. Complain about your ex, your job, or anything else that comes to mind. Remember, vulnerability is for winners. You're aiming for the opposite.

Don't forget: Constantly check your phone. Nothing says “I’m engaged” like paying more attention to Instagram than your date.

Conversation Killer: Discuss your five-year plan involving crypto and living off-grid.

Ghosting: The Ultimate Move

The date went surprisingly well? Don’t panic! You can still salvage the situation with the ultimate dating app faux pas: ghosting. Simply disappear without a trace. No explanation, no goodbye, just poof! It’s the perfect way to leave them wondering what went wrong (and questioning their entire existence).

Master Level Ghosting: Unmatch them after the first date. Leave no trace, like you were never there.

Important reminder: Remember that the most attractive traits are kindness, respect, and empathy. Therefore, the opposite of those is the key to failure.

And that's it! Follow these tips, and you're guaranteed to fail at online dating. But hey, maybe, just maybe, in failing so spectacularly, you'll actually stumble upon something real. Or at least, a good story to tell. Either way, good luck… or rather, good riddance!