I Play The Horror World As A Simulation Game

Okay, so picture this: I’m chilling at home, right? But instead of binging Netflix like a normal human, I’m knee-deep in a zombie apocalypse. Except, it's all in my head. Well, kinda. I play the real world like it's a messed-up, intensely terrifying simulation game, specifically a horror one. Don't judge, it keeps things interesting!

I know, I know, it sounds completely bonkers. My therapist thinks it's... "a creative coping mechanism." I think it's hilarious, mostly. Plus, you get surprisingly good at spotting potential hazards. You know, like that leaky pipe that totally looks like it's about to spew black goo and turn everyone into goo monsters. Just me?

Setting the Stage: Reality... Remastered!

The first step is acknowledging that everything *could* be a horror movie. Is that a weird noise coming from the basement? Probably just the washing machine. Definitely not a demonic entity trying to escape. See? Optimism...with a side of healthy paranoia.

I’ve got different "scenarios" I run. Sometimes it’s a zombie outbreak (the grocery store is surprisingly good practice for navigating hordes). Other times it's a more psychological thriller vibe – think gaslighting neighbors and that one flickering streetlight that’s *definitely* Morse code from otherworldly beings.

Fun fact: Did you know the human brain can't tell the difference between a vividly imagined experience and reality? So basically, I'm training for the apocalypse, even if it's just an apocalypse of awkward social interactions.

Gameplay Mechanics: Surviving the Terror

The core gameplay loop involves assessing threats, planning escape routes, and improvising weapons. My umbrella becomes a trusty zombie-whacking stick. Tupperware lids? Makeshift shields, obviously. My cat, Mr. Fluffernutter, is my early warning system (mostly because he screams at everything, but hey, it works!).

One of the *most important* rules is never, ever go into the basement alone. Basements are basically horror movie set pieces. They're just *begging* for something creepy to happen. Seriously, why do people even have basements?

Dialogue is key. Talking your way out of situations is way easier (and less messy) than fighting. This has actually helped me in real life. I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket by pretending I was rushing my (non-existent) pregnant wife to the hospital. Hey, desperate times, desperate measures! And it's all thanks to my horror game training!

Difficulty Settings: From 'Slightly Spooky' to 'Existential Dread'

I adjust the difficulty based on my mood. Feeling brave? Crank up the paranoia. Every shadow is a monster, every creak is a killer. Feeling anxious? Dial it down to "mildly unsettling." Maybe just a weirdly-placed garden gnome or a strangely persistent telemarketer.

My "boss battles" usually involve confronting my own fears. Like, finally cleaning out that junk drawer or admitting I actually liked the latest superhero movie. Intense, I know.

The ultimate difficulty setting is "Existential Dread." This is when I start questioning the fabric of reality and wonder if we're all just characters in some cosmic game show. I usually avoid this one. It makes doing the dishes way less fun.

Unexpected Perks: Beyond the Screams

Believe it or not, playing the world as a horror game actually has some surprising benefits. I'm way more observant. I notice details others miss. I’m also super prepared for anything. Like, anything. You never know when you might need to fashion a makeshift bandage out of a coffee filter and duct tape (don't ask).

Plus, it makes mundane tasks more exciting. Doing laundry becomes a desperate race against the clock before the sentient dryer monster consumes my socks. Grocery shopping becomes a stealth mission to acquire supplies without alerting the mutated produce. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating...a little.

The best part? It's taught me to laugh at my fears. Because, let's be honest, life's already pretty terrifying. Might as well make it entertaining.

So, next time you see me staring intently at a flock of pigeons, muttering about “aerial reconnaissance,” just know I’m not crazy. I’m just leveling up my survival skills. And maybe having a little bit of fun along the way. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I just heard something in the attic...