Some Girls: My Life In A Harem

Okay, so picture this: I’m at a friend's birthday party, right? Standard fare - awkward small talk, questionable dips, and someone inevitably attempting karaoke. But then this guy, let's call him... Chad (because, well, he just looked like a Chad), starts going on and on about his "amazing life" with his girlfriend and his "close female friends" who all totally understand each other and him. He used the word "synergy" way too many times. I almost choked on my carrot stick. It was then, amidst the off-key warbling of "Bohemian Rhapsody," that I realized… dude was describing a harem. Albeit, a very modern, likely less-than-authentic, and probably deeply problematic one. And it got me thinking about my own... well, let's call them "girl squads" over the years.

Now, before you get all scandalized and start picturing flowing robes and exotic fruit platters (though, honestly, I wouldn't be opposed to the fruit platters), let me clarify. I'm not talking about a literal harem in the traditional sense. I'm talking about something far more subtle, and arguably, far more common. It's the phenomenon where you, as a woman, find yourself surrounded by a group of other women, all orbiting around a shared object of affection, attention, or admiration. Often, unknowingly.

Think about it. Have you ever been in a group of friends where you all had a secret crush on the same guy? Or perhaps you all fiercely admired a particular boss, vying for their attention and approval? That, my friend, is the modern harem. It's less about ownership and more about competition for scarce resources – whether those resources are romantic attention, professional opportunities, or even just social validation.

Looking back, I can identify several distinct “harems” throughout my life. There was the "The Cool Teacher Harem" in high school. We all wanted to be Ms. Davies' favorite. We’d bring her apples (yes, cliche, I know!), stay after class to "help," and probably secretly judged each other's outfits. (Don't judge me, high school was a savage land.) Then there was "The Band Dude Harem" in college. Oh, the angst. The carefully crafted “I’m-totally-not-interested-in-you” glances. The passive-aggressive complimenting of his girlfriend. (Again, don't judge! Youthful indiscretion!) And, of course, "The Ambitious Internship Harem" where we all battled (metaphorically, mostly) for the coveted full-time position.

What's fascinating (and a little depressing) is how often these dynamics were completely unconscious. We weren't actively plotting against each other (usually!), but the underlying competition was always there, simmering beneath the surface. It created a sense of unspoken tension, a constant feeling of needing to prove yourself. And let’s be real, it wasn't always pretty.

The real kicker is that the “object” of the harem’s attention – the guy, the teacher, the boss – was often completely oblivious to the whole thing. They were just living their lives, blissfully unaware of the intricate social dance happening around them. (Which, arguably, made the whole thing even more ridiculous.)

So, why do we do it? Why do we willingly participate in these unspoken competitions? I think it boils down to a few things: societal conditioning, insecurity, and a deeply ingrained desire for validation. We’re taught from a young age to compete with each other, to measure our worth based on external approval. And when that approval comes from a limited source – a charming guy, a powerful mentor – it’s natural to feel like you need to fight for your share.

But here’s the good news: recognizing the existence of these "harems" is the first step towards dismantling them. Once you become aware of the dynamic, you can actively choose to opt out. You can choose to support your fellow women, to collaborate instead of compete, and to find your validation from within, rather than seeking it from external sources. It's about forging genuine connections and not engaging in behaviors that are ultimately harmful.

Next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re vying for attention alongside other women, take a step back and ask yourself: Is this really what I want? Is this serving me? Or am I just playing a role in someone else’s (likely unconscious) power game? You might be surprised by what you discover.

And hey, maybe we can all just agree to ditch the whole harem thing and focus on building each other up instead. Wouldn’t that be a much better party?