Ever wondered what it's *really* like to be a vampire? I managed to snag some interviews with a few, and let me tell you, it’s not all brooding and sparkly skin. Think more… awkward housemates and really, really old grudges.
A Staten Island Coven
My first subjects were the residents of a creaky old house on Staten Island. This is where Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth, and Nadja of Transylvania reside.
Trying to manage the modern world while holding onto centuries of tradition creates a lot of hilarious mess.
Nandor: The (Surprisingly) Sensitive Conqueror
Nandor, a former Ottoman warrior, seems like he would be fearsome. He’s actually a giant softie, especially when it comes to his familiar, Guillermo.
He desperately wants to be a strong leader, but mostly ends up yelling a lot and getting confused by the internet.
He's also got a penchant for desperate attempts to find love, using everything from dating apps to old-fashioned hypnotic suggestions.
Laszlo: The Perpetual (and Rude) Charmer
Laszlo is all about pleasure and adventure. He’s a scientist of sorts, specializing in the… anatomical.
He loves to turn into a bat. His wife, Nadja, finds this amusing and often mocks him relentlessly.
He truly loves Nadja, despite his eccentricities. He loves to create topiary sculptures. He likes the naughty ones!
Nadja: The Scheming Siren
Nadja is a powerful and independent vampire. She has high standards and a sharp wit, and she's not afraid to use them.
She also has a creepy doll possessed by her own spirit. It offers her sage advice (and usually ends up getting her into trouble).
Don't even try to cross her because it would be a disaster for you!
Colin Robinson: The Energy Vampire
Then there’s Colin Robinson, the energy vampire. He doesn't drink blood; he feeds on boredom.
He drains the life out of everyone with his mundane conversations and tedious activities like going to the city council meetings.
He is also extremely powerful, he can drain an entire room just with a monotone voice.
Unexpected Revelations
The biggest surprise from my interviews? Vampires are incredibly lonely.
Despite their immortality and supposed power, they often struggle with the same things we do: finding connection, dealing with boredom, and just trying to get along with their housemates.
They are also surprisingly bad at adapting to modern technology. Imagine seeing a thousand-year-old vampire trying to figure out a smartphone!
Modern Vampires
Forget the tortured souls of gothic novels. These vampires are messy, flawed, and often endearingly ridiculous.
They deal with everyday problems, like paying rent, battling neighborhood werewolves, and surviving sunlight exposure without getting their skin scorched.
My time with these creatures has shown me that vampires are a bit more like us than we might want to think.
They’re just trying to find their place in a world that's constantly changing, even if they do have to drink blood to survive.
So, next time you watch What We Do In The Shadows, remember these interviews.
Remember that these aren't just monsters. They're roommates. They’re friends (sort of). They're trying their best, even if their best involves a lot of screaming and biting.
