So, you want to be a Bravo-lebrity? Who doesn't? Let's be real. You dream of screaming matches, questionable fashion choices, and endless rosé. Here's your (totally unofficial) guide.
Step 1: Assess Your Level of Dramatic Chaos
Are you mildly dramatic, or *Real Housewives* dramatic? Big difference. You need a certain baseline level of "mess." Think spilled drinks, not spilled state secrets.
Can you start an argument about the proper way to load a dishwasher? If so, you're on the right track. Bonus points if you can cry attractively while doing it.
Step 2: Cultivate Your "Uniquely Relatable" Persona
Bravo loves a "character." Are you the sassy one? The perpetually single one? Or maybe the one who's "just trying to balance it all" (while clearly failing spectacularly).
Embrace your flaws! Authenticity is key. Or, you know, a convincing imitation of it. Remember Bethenny Frankel? She turned complaining into an empire.
Unpopular opinion: "Relatable" actually means "rich, but with problems that are *kind of* like yours."
Step 3: Find Your Fellow Enablers (aka, Co-Stars)
No one goes down in a blaze of glory alone. You need accomplices. Friends, family, frenemies… anyone willing to stir the pot on camera.
Diversity is the spice of life! Think different personalities, different incomes, different levels of delusion. The more conflict, the better.
Important: At least one of you needs to own a business that’s perpetually "on the verge" of greatness. Think a "couture dog clothing" line, or a "luxury llama farm."
Step 4: Perfect the Art of the Talking Head Interview
This is where you explain (and often, embellish) the drama. Practice your zingers. Master the art of the subtle side-eye.
Think of your talking heads as mini stand-up routines. Be witty. Be opinionated. Be just a *little* bit unhinged.
Pro-tip: Invest in good lighting. Even the most scandalous gossip looks better with a flattering glow.
Step 5: Network Like Your Life Depends On It
Okay, maybe your life doesn't *depend* on it. But your dreams of becoming a reality TV icon certainly do. Schmooze! Mingle! Know a guy who knows a guy who once served Andy Cohen a drink?
Attend local events. Frequent fancy restaurants. "Accidentally" bump into Bravo executives. (Disclaimer: This may or may not be legal).
Seriously, though, research production companies that create Bravo shows. Target them. Get your name (and your perfectly styled hair) out there.
Step 6: Embrace the "Edit"
They say the camera adds ten pounds. What they don't tell you is the editing adds ten times the drama. You are no longer in control of your narrative.
Be prepared to be portrayed as the villain. Or the lovable goofball. Or the one who cries over spilt milk (again, attractively).
Ultimately, remember it's all for entertainment. Try to have fun! (Unless you're contractually obligated to be miserable).
Step 7: Profit? (Maybe)
Fame doesn't always equal fortune. But it *does* open doors. Endorsement deals! Cameos! Maybe even your own spin-off show!
Just remember to stay humble. (Kidding!). Never forget the little people. (Unless they're boring).
And most importantly, keep the drama coming. Bravo needs it. The world needs it. You need it. Right?
Final Thoughts
Getting a Bravo show is like winning the lottery... if the lottery involved public humiliation and endless scrutiny. But hey, at least you'll have fabulous hair while you're at it!
